Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Say it ain't so: The Real Household Cancels Cable

Real Husband and I decided to cut the Real Household’s cable. For months (by months, I mean 12 of ‘em), we’ve talked about it. It’s something we felt was unnecessary and costly. As part of our newfound adventure in creating a healthier lifestyle, we felt cutting the cable would help us become more financially healthy.
Now, I admit it was tough the first few days. The first day, I returned home from work and sat down to watch Dr. Phil (don’t you judge me), and then remembered, no cable. Guess what? I got my ass off the couch and did stuff. Like real stuff. (Okay, I jumped on Facebook, but still.)
Seriously, I finally felt a little more in control of my days. I’m not saying I was a slave to cable TV, but I did watch more than I should have. Since cutting the cable, I have definitely become more productive. I feel more alive, for lack of a better word. Now when I come home, I find something to do. Things I’ve been putting off because we all know the days when there is just so much shit to do, you do nothing instead. Less TV has helped me concentrate on those mundane tasks I’ve been putting off.
What I find funny about the whole situation is people’s reaction to our decision to get rid of cable. You’d have thought I told them I decided to sacrifice my first-born son. It’s the same reaction ever time. “What? You don’t have cable? Why? What?” This is always paired with a look of incredulous wonder. No one ever says, “Well good for you.” Instead, they give me a sympathetic nod and a look of compassion.  
Admittedly, it kind of sucks not being up to date on current reality shows or the newest hip drama series. However, the benefits we’ve reaped the last few weeks is so worth nixing all the crap television we were watching.
Our family has become a little closer and we talk more than we did. The kids still get a little TV here and there watching their favorite show on Netflix, but nowhere near the amount they were watching. I was the mom that let the kids watch too much television.
The moral of the story? Do something to make life easier. It doesn’t have to be cable you get rid of. Just trim some of the excess to make life more manageable. You won’t regret it.
Besides, doing things like this make you better than all the other moms. That alone is worth no cable. *winkie face*

Saturday, June 23, 2012

Help! I'm becoming my mother

Last week, I received official confirmation that I'm turning into my mother. I can't defer this transformation. I am sadly unable to decline my new self. As they say, it is what it is.

You see, I went to Wal-Mart (I know, bash me later) and bought a simple item. One many would feel is no indication of becoming the woman who raised you. I bought this:

My new bestie
I know right? A fucking orange cup. I should have known as I picked up the cup from the unorganized shelf while Wal-Martians pushed their way around me it was a bad sign. It wasn't until two days later my metamorphosis began.

I had to run to the store to pick up groceries. I shuffled around the house picking my purse and locating my keys. Then, I grabbed the cup. Smartly filled it with water and headed out the door. I unlocked the door, poured myself in the seat and set my damn cup in the cup holder. While this all sounds innocent, trust me, it's not. I cannot tell you enough how out of character this is for me.

This, my friends, is how I became my mother.

This act of taking a drink on the road is something my mom does all the time. Everywhere she goes, she brings a cup filled with an ice-cold beverage. For some reason, this always left me feeling weird. Like, am I missing out on something here? Should I have a drink as well? Will I get that parched on a five minute ride to Target?

Now, I bring this fucker with me everywhere. I guess my mom was onto something, but I never guessed the one thing I'd think she was right about was a to-go cup filled with ice and water.

I guess it's not as bad as it sounds. Just get worried if I start making passive-aggressive comments about your outfit that I've officially metamorphosed into my madre. That, and when I start filling aforementioned cup with Diet Dr. Pepper. God help us.

Friday, June 22, 2012

Guest post: How to be a dad

I asked my coworker and friend Mr. Gray (I know right? Kick ass name.) to write me up a little something. My brain is not working very well right now. He made me a little list of things he thinks dads need to know. After all, he is the expert. He has two sets of twins, six and four and a 12-year-old girl. Yeah, for real. Two sets of twins. Five children in one house. Crazy! He cooks dinner, cleans, chauffeurs, referees, bathes and plays with all these kids every day. I kind of admire him. He seems to be a pretty well-rounded dad. Here's his advice:

What it takes to be a great Dad

- Spend Quality time.

- Have a reservoir of patience.

- Always be ready for the unexpected.

- Expect kids to be kids and act like one on occasion.

- Teaching and learning are two way streets.

- Laugh at the most corniest of jokes because those are the best!

- Be prepared to love them – no matter what.

- Always be there; make time if there is none. Then have fun!

- Have ice cream together.

- Watch a kiddie flick together, e.g. Spongebob and Yo Gabba

- Doing what it takes to provide (within legal limits of course).

What it takes to be a douchey, dumbass Dad

- Spend quality time by watching TV alone and yelling at your kid(s) to move out the way.

- Sleep and expect your kids to take care of you and themselves.

- Ignore them while they play near the streets and/or crowded parks. Statistically, I'm sure they will be safe.

- Go to the club, store, or booty-call after the kid(s) are presumably asleep because we all know they never wake up looking for you and are capable of taking care of themselves.

- Lower their self-esteem because you feel like crap by telling how much they make your life suck.

- Stop talking to them because they made you mad. Reverse psychology is guaranteed to work…NOT!

- Don't help them with their homework because you knew how to do it when you were in school. Right?

- Teach them slang and any other bad habits that will make them valuable contributors to society.  After all, shoulder shrugging is a universal language meaning, "I don't know shit!"

- Make your wife/significant other do everything. That’s their job, right?

What do you think dads need to know? Tell me in comments. 

Friday, June 15, 2012

This week, shit just got real

The Real Household has been experiencing some major shifts in well-being. This week has been extremely rocky. Two things occurred that made my mind a little fuzzy. I felt like I was in a state of drunkenness coupled with heavy sedatives.

For the past month, Real Husband and I have been figuring out the financial logistics of him quitting his job. Let me tell you, there was no way in hell we would have been able to do it. I mean, we may have scraped by, but it would have been tough. Really tough.

Since Real Husband's bosses changed his job position he has been having a hard time. He has pretty bad carpal tunnel syndrome and his new job was making it worse. He couldn't even open a beer. How sad is that? He was also working for asshole supervisors which made his mental health spiral out of control. Our household climate was shitty to say the least.

On Wednesday, he put in his two weeks notice. In turn, I was having major panic attacks and couldn't focus on anything. All I thought about was money, money, money. Where will it come from? How will we pay our mortgage? How will I buy groceries? What about the kids? Will I ever get to spend ridiculous amounts of money at Target again? (Seriously, I was sad I couldn't shop as much. Selfish, much?)

While I have a great paying job, it isn't nearly enough to cover monthly expenses. We live in San Diego County where mortgages require homeowners to sell their souls and first-born child. (Poor Real Boy doesn't even know yet.) In addition to that, gas prices and groceries also require taking out a loan or possibly selling your home to afford it.

No bueno. Thankfully, his boss realized shit just got real. He told Real Husband he wouldn't process his resignation and would try to find him a more compatible shop to work in. Now, I could breathe a little. I was still feeling a little suffocated since we had to wait two days to find out if the move was even possible. This morning, he got to interview with his new supervisor and they said YES, we'll take him! My life can now continue as normal and the Real Household is back baby! Let the shopping continue.

While all of this is great, there is one more thing that occurred this week that has left me feeling somber. My Uncle by marriage (He married my mom's sister) was found unconscious in his home. Apparently, he aspirated and was found unresponsive after 24 hour of unconsciousness. As a result, he is now in the hospital and the outlook is grim.

My Uncle is someone that I have never been close to. He and my aunt divorced when I was around five or so. To add to that, he didn't accept my family since it was an interracial marriage. He was very racist. He was also not the kindest man in general.

Last July, his son (my cousin) passed away from colon cancer. He was only 35. I needed to get back to Texas for the funeral and didn't have the funds. My Uncle kindly offered me the money and plane tickets. I was floored. This man, who was so hateful was offering to do something for his niece who he hadn't seen in more than 26 years.

Even more amazing, he apologized to my mom for the way he was then. He let her know what he did was wrong and he wishes he'd been more open-minded. I know it took a lot for him to admit his faults and ask for forgiveness. I was blown away.

Now, as he fights for his own life I think about that. He made amends and is okay. Although he may not make it, his soul will be free and at peace.

This week has put things into a brighter, clearer perspective for me. It's not about things or money, it's about people. Life is about doing what you can do for yourself and your family. It's about being there for those around you. Truly bittersweet.

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Kids Expect Too Much From Parents

Every day I see parents coddling their children beyond the required limits. I am astounded at parents who continually ask little Bobby to, “Please get down from there.” Of course, this is always followed by a, “You’re going to hurt yourself.” Bobby looks amused and continues his dangerous teeter-totter atop a chair. Mom stands there gently telling her little one how dangerous it is, yet takes no action.
When I go to the park, I see parents helping little Suzy over every tiny obstacle. Following her around as if she is fragile creature made of glass. Suzy looks back to make sure mommy or daddy is there before making any move. Suddenly, she takes a little tumble and there are her parents, rescuing her should she utter any little whimper.
At the grocery store, I witness moms who tell their children how disappointed they are in their behavior. Meanwhile, the kids continue to act like assholes touching everything and running away from mom. Mom says, “If you behave, I will buy you XYZ.” The children still act like heathens. Mom still rewards them. And the cycle continues.
I know there are times when kids are uncontrollable. I also know there are times when children test their limits. I am well aware I am not a perfect mother. My children prove that point daily. I am a firm believer in talking to children about consequences and helping them make the right decisions. I am also not a believer in giving children constant accolades for doing what they are supposed to do. However, I know the difference between enabling children to be dependant and helping them grow up.
To me, this is entirely different from doing everything for your children. When you give them a choice, stick to it. Don’t ask your kid, “Do you want chicken nuggets or macaroni and cheese for dinner,” and then when they reply “I want a hamburger,” give them that instead. What is that teaching your children? Not a damn thing. It is teaching them they will get what they want regardless.
 I see this time and time again. I see friends, strangers and family members participating in this parenting fuck up. As a result, we’ve created a country full of entitled, selfish, lazy children who don’t know how to function without holding mommy's or daddy’s hand. I hear stories of parents who call their child’s college professor to ask why Bobby got a “C” on a test. Even more extreme, parents call their child’s potential employers for interviews.
They have to grow up and become self-sufficient. Offering our children empty praise for every single feat accomplished does them a disservice. They learn to only work for praise from others and not for personal accomplishment. We have to step up and equip our children with the proper tools that will lead them into adulthood or else this generation is destined to fail. I refuse to take care of my child’s every want or need into their mid-20s and beyond. Hell no. Nuh-uh. I ain’t gonna do it.
I heard this story today that made me stand up and rejoice. Essentially, a high school teacher  and speaker at a recent graduation ceremony told the students they are not special. I applaud this man for giving these kids a reality check. It takes hard work to become reliant on one's self. While our children are special to us, they are just another number out in the real world.
Do you think this teacher words were too harsh?

Sunday, June 10, 2012

Somehow I Won the Kreativ Blogger Award

Liz from Funny Postpartum Lady and Jenn at My Daily Jenn-ism thought I deserved the Kreativ Blogger Award. I can't say I blame them for bestowing upon me this honor. I mean let's face it, I'm pretty darn awesome. When will you all learn you're only inflating my already over sized ego by giving me these awards?

Okay, I'm being a little facetious. I am truly honored these two ladies thought of me when giving this award. I really enjoy both of their blogs because they are honest and funny. I'm still getting used to this whole blog thing, and these ladies help keep me going. So thank you Jenn and Liz.

There are rules attached as with most peer blogger awards. The rules are easy, fun rules so I will try to follow them all.

1. Thank and link back to the awarding blog. (Done and Done.)

2. Answer seven questions.

3. Provide 10 random factoids about yourself. (This one is tough.)

4. Hand the award on to 7 deserving others. (Gah! I got it.)

Question #1: What is your favorite song? Man, this is really hard. I am a lover of music so I find it hard to pick one song, so I'll go over a few. I love Manic Depression by Jimi Hendrix. Every time I hear this song, I feel content. I feel Jimi's confusion, pain and his love for music. Next, Everlong by The Foo Fighters. I love this song's rhythm. It's soft and hard, loud and quiet all at the same time. Finally, I love Death Cab for Cutie's I Will Follow You Into the Dark. I want this song to be about me. Love it.

Question #2: What's your favorite desert? I'm not a big sweets person. I rarely crave sweets. That said, my favorite desert is just plain, old-fashioned white cake. Traditional wedding cake is my favorite thing in the whole world. Moist white cake with buttercream frosting is delicious.

Questions #3: What do you when you're upset? Honestly? I hold it all in. Otherwise, I'll just cry or say something I'll regret. Probably not the most effective way to deal with things, but it's just how I roll.

Question #4: What is your favorite pet? I have two dogs and a beta fish. Of those three, the fish is my favorite. She's quiet and low maintenance. I love the dogs too, but they are so damn needy. However, I love cats so much. If I had a place for a litter box, I'd have one.

Question #5: Which do you prefer, white or whole-wheat bread? Well, it really depends. White bread is so good for grilled cheese or toast. In our house, we mostly eat wheat/multi-grain. They say it's better for you, so we eat it. I now enjoy it over white bread.

Question #6: What is your biggest fear? Being in a fiery automobile accident. There is just so much that could wrong. You could die, become paralyzed, brain dead, lose limbs, etc. It is so unpredictable and I don't want to experience it.

Question #7: What is your attitude mostly? I've been thinking about this a lot lately. I've come to the conclusion I'm pretty apathetic. I know this may not be considered a good attitude to have, but I can't help it. I just let things kind of happen and accept the good or the bad in life. Of course I have my moments when I'm over the moon about something. They are just few and far between.

Identical me.

Ten random facts:

1.  I played the flute for seven years. I was in marching and concert band and loved it. I was pretty good.
2.  I love Cheetos. It's a borderline addiction. I love licking my fingers when I'm done. Yum!
3.  When I hear Katy Perry's Fireworks song, I get so happy. Like tear up happy. Yikes.
4.  I have flat feet and my feet always hurt. I just ignore it and still wear flip flops or ballet flats. No support whatsoever. As a result, I've formed a bunion. Sexy.
5.  Real Husband and I started out as a booty call. I didn't want to love him and he didn't want to love me. It just happened and we couldn't fight the feeling.
6.  I don't like ice cream. I feel like the only living person that doesn't like it.
7.  I unintentionally gave my children matching names. I'm embarrassed about it and always think people are judging me on their names.I didn't even realize it until Real Girl was two years old and someone pointed it out to me. Ugh. (Don't ask what they are 'cause I won't tell.)
8.  I am obsessed with Stephen King novels. For a long time it was like air for me. I couldn't live without it.
9.  I am a name nerd (read: snob). I'm not having any more children, but I fantasize what I would name another child. You can often find me on baby naming websites and forums. Is that creepy?
10.  I hate country music. When I was young I enjoyed it a lot. I mean, I am from Texas. Now, I'd rather sit in a locked room with no means of escape and listen to Insane Clown Posse than listen to country music.

Now that you know more about little ol' me, go on over and check out some of these blogs I love:

FireandRabbits: Cassandra is wonderful woman with lots of quirks that make for some entertaining reading. Sometimes serious, other times insane, all the time awesome. Check her out.
Tripping Tuesdays: Cricket rocks! She's a newer blogger who has some interesting topics she discusses. She's a mom with a cool view on things. Besides, she reads my blog and even leaves comments. Who wouldn't love that?
Attracted to Shiny Things:  If you ever need to read the most random of thoughts, visit Yvonne's blog. She's got kids who say the darnedest things. It's a fun journey.
Because Motherhood Sucks: Right? Selena is an honest lady. Motherhood isn't all fairy dust and unicorn farts. It's tough.

Diamonds, Dog Tags and Diapers: Chelsea is married to a Marine. She has amazing give-aways and writes from the heart.

One Tired Mama: She's tired. Go over and give her a hug would ya?

Organized People are Just Too Lazy to Look for Stuff: It's true. At least I think so. She's funny and makes me giggle.

Friday, June 8, 2012

Summer Time: Every Day is Exactly the Same

Every year around this time, mothers across the nation are complaining about or celebrating the upcoming summer break. Day in and day out their children are home for the summer months pestering them. Moms who spent the past nine months shuttling their little ones to school and then returning home to peace and quiet, now must take care of and entertain their offspring. While I don't envy the fact that you all have got to adjust your schedule, I do become a little green you get to see your young'uns and do fun stuff for the summer.

Summer for The Real Household (and I'm sure many others') is just the same ol' shit. I still wake up at 5:15 a.m., wake up the kids around 6 a.m., and drop them off around 6:45 a.m. I still go to work, they still go to school and nothing is different other than no required academics. So effin' depressing.

I loved summers growing up. My mom was a teacher, so when we were young she also had the summers off. We had a lot of fun just running around the neighborhood with the other kids all day long. As we got older, my mom began teaching summer school. This was even better because my brothers and I got to stay home by ourselves most of tyhe summer. We had the chance to stay up late and sleep in. We created a ton of memories over the summer months. Good times.

My kids won't ever get to experience this. There are times when I feel shitty because I can't give them those memories I remember so fondly. There are days when I think, "Are the only memories the kids will have are getting up early, going to school, coming home to chill for a bit and then going to bed? Lather, rinse repeat." Routine, routine, routine. Ugh.

Then again, I'm not that great at being home with them all day. I'm pretty sure I would be a horrible full-time-stay-at-home mom. At least they get to go on awesome field trips and play with their friends all day during their summer programs. This thought gives me a little reminder they are still creating summer memories. A little relief in my long, lasting mommy guilt.

As the saying goes, "The grass is always greener." Unfortunately, you still gotta mow that shit.

Tuesday, June 5, 2012

That’s What Friends Are For

I’ve been in kind of a funk lately. And it really stinks. I don’t know how to have friends. I have lots of friends. I mean what’s not to love about me? I’m gorgeous, hilarious, smart, spontaneous and fun. I know all of you reading this blog know that. That is after all why you’re all here. Right?
But, I digress. Honestly, I’ve been feeling disconnected from my friends. It seems many of my close friends and I have grown apart. I’m not quite certain why. Is it me? Has my never-ending sarcasm finally gotten the best of me? Am I really such a negative person?  Does my breath stink? Is it family obligations? Are there better friends out there than I am? Just kidding on that last one. There is no way that is even remotely possible.
I know we all have priorities. Most of my friends have families of their own. I understand all that, but I’m selfish damn it. I want you to call me. I want you to text me. I want you to ask me to hang out. Yes, it goes both ways. I’m not quite sure how I’ve fared in the friend contact department. I thought I was doing okay, but obviously, that isn’t completely true. I've been slacking as well, and now I don't know where to start strengthening our friendship again.
I realize this whole post is a little whiny. I’ve just been thinking a lot about friendships. The ones that are real and last forever and the kind that enters like a tornado and leaves just as fast. You know that whole people come into your life for reason, season or lifetime bullshit. I get that. I do, but I want you for a lifetime. (Well, maybe not all of you, but I’ll write a separate post breaking up with you all later.)
All the things that have been happening lately have made me feel a little alone. I’m stranded out here with nothing but a little medication (read: booze) and my dogs to talk to. I know I can call you, but I don’t want to interrupt whatever things you’re doing that keep you so busy from giving me a ring.
With that, I’ll try to be a better friend as well. Maybe we can all just have a big pity party and you guys can slap me around until I get over it.
How do you stay connected to your friends? Tell me in comments.

Monday, June 4, 2012

Baby Fever's Got a Hold on Me

I am suffering from a crippling case of baby fever. It's as if some inner need for a child has taken over my brain. I thumb through pictures of the Real Kids as babies and cry. I look at pregnant women in envy wishing it were me. I see newborns and want to snatch them from their mothers and run for the hills. I see a television show of a woman giving birth and get mad because it's not me. Then I cry again.

I see pregnant women or newborns every single day because I manage 126 service members who are pregnant or have recently had babies. I mean, there are little ankle biters EVERYWHERE I turn.

I don't like this feeling. At all. There are a myriad of reasons why I should not have another baby, so I wrote myself a list of why I don't need to have another baby. I thought I'd share in case any of you are suffering from the same disorder as me:

See. It's all they do.
1.  Babies are so annoying sometimes. They cry, they eat, they poop. They do what they want. They don't care about you. All they want is a boob, a clean diaper and to cry so you can never sleep. They are selfish creatures.

2.  I am in no financial shape to add another child to my little clan. I'm one year away from the end of paying for full-day preschool. That will save me $600-700 a month. That means I will actually have a little disposable income. Not to mention the cost of diapers and other baby necessities. Kids are effing expensive.

3.  They don't stay cute little newborns for long. Those mother fuckers grow up. One minute, they're just lying there without the ability to move anywhere and the the next thing you know, they're telling you they're going outside to play. Again, they're selfish. Don't they know I need to cuddle them longer?

4.  Babies are such an anchor. They really weigh you down and keep you from doing grown-up things. You have to find babysitters just to hang out alone with your husband. Movies? "Fuck you," says the baby, "You are only allowed to see a movie not involving talking animals once a year." They are such buzzkills.

5.  Kids are such a time suck. Seriously, I spend most of the day taking care of the kids when I'm with them. When I'm not with them, that's all I think about. I just want one bloody hour a day to do nothing. Nope. Selfish bastards have taken all my time.

Looks like loads of fun.
6.  Babies drain your energy. Remember when you used to have energy? You could stay up until 3 a.m. just talking with your friends and feel great the next day because you could sleep in? Babies ruin that. Long gone are the days when you can really just sleep in without some creeper standing next to your bed with a blank stare waiting for you to wake up.

7.  It takes at least 18 years to get rid of a kid. That's if you're lucky. Eighteen years is a long time. Inevitably when you say this to someone with teenagers, they reply, "It goes by fast. Enjoy it." To that I say, "That's because you're nearly done. I'm living this shit everyday. Don't tell me what to enjoy!"

8.  My brain hurts. It really does. Not figuratively. I am already stretched thin and I only have two kids. Two! Why would I want to make my brain explode?

9.  Diapers. Fuck that shit. Literally. Wait, what? Changing diapers for two or three years is far too long. Hell, one year is too long. I do not want to change diapers. I don't. Ever. I refuse.

10.  My amazing body. Ha. For reals, I do not want to give up my body for nine months only to have it ravaged by that thing they call a baby. I'm pretty sure it's some kind of parasite that steals your body and leaves it nearly unrecognizable upon return. Nope, I'm too old to deal with that again.

This is basically what I look like. At least in my head.

Please tell me I'm not alone in my irrational case of baby fever. And please, add your own reasons why having another baby is not a good idea.

Friday, June 1, 2012

Fifty Shades of What the Hell Am I Reading?

The Fifty Shades trilogy has received quite the buzz. Author E.L. James is probably one rich woman by now. I'm not going to lie. I'm a little jealous because I'm pretty sure a gorilla could have penned these erotic novels. I tried to read the books so that I could let you guys know my take on all the hoopla. I made it through the first novel and drudged my way through 150 pages of the second one.

I wanted to make a list of why I couldn't finish reading the series. I made a very concerted effort to finish the book, but my brain just would not allow it. I don't think there are any spoilers, so if you haven't read the books yet, you should be okay. So for all you Real Peeps, here is a list of why I could not complete the novels:

1.  Anastasia's Inner Goddess. I wanted to punch the shit out of the inner goddess. I'm pretty sure this clever way of introducing Ana's inner thoughts was meant to be entertaining. However, after the bajillionith time, that shit got old. I just couldn't take that damn inner goddess making Ana feel good about getting spanked with silver balls inside her lady parts.

2.  Christian Grey. This dude's got issues which makes his character mysterious and interesting. Yet, I could not read the book without Christian's voice sounding like Kelsey Grammer. Pretentious and all assholey.

3.  Christian's way of letting Ana know how their sexual encounter will happen. In many of the scenes leading up to sex, Christian informs Ana of what his plans are with her. With phrases like, "I'm going to devour you now Miss Steele," or "I'm going to bend you over my knee now Miss Steele." I wanted to immediately throw the book down and punch myself in the face for reading. Quit fucking calling her Miss Steele! The one thing he says that takes the cake is, "I'm going to take you like this Ana." WTF? This was usually spoken after he'd bent her over something. So effin' creepy.

4.  Their love for each other for no reason. Like Twilight, I can't understand why these two loved each other so much. There is no way in hell I could let someone spank me so hard I can't sit down for a week and want to go back to them. I get trying new things. It's what makes sex fun. Yet, not if I was a virgin with no prior sexual experience. That's like instead of smoking pot first, you decide to jump straight to heroin. Not the best idea.

5.  Ana constantly blushing. Holy hell this annoyed me the most. What human blushes every single time something embarrasses them? I mean I need to go back and count how many times Ana "blushed" or was "flushed" when something happened. It would make your jaw drop. Even in the first book, I quickly realized how dumb Ana was based solely on her ability to blush at the drop of a hat.

6.  Christian's stalking tendencies. There is no way in hell I would want someone knowing where I live because he's so damn rich he can get what he wants. This is how successful serial killers stalk their prey. Tracking down their victim's cell phone, flying to another state to see them without warning, taking her back to her apartment even though he's never been there before. Red fuckin' flag.

7.  Christian gently removing Ana's tampon so they could make love. Do I really need to elaborate on this?

8.  Ana referring to her sex organs as down there. Oh wait, I mean down there. Often in italics. I mean I know she was a virgin, but come on we are not fifth graders.

9.  How hot Ana thinks Christian is. Okay, I get it. He's smokin' hot. Again, like Twilight. Get over it. You have him, he loves you, he would do anything for you, blah, blah, blah. You don't have to remind us every. single. time. you see him naked how hot he is and how you can't believe he's all yours. Projectile vomit inducing.

So there you have it. My list of why I couldn't finish reading the Fifty Shades trilogy. I may go back to read the rest if I decide I need to remind myself what good literature is. If not, someone fill me in on how it ends.