My brain. Arrrrrgh (I’m half pirate by the way), it wanders all the time. I seriously have conversations with myself all day long. I constantly compile lists in my head of just stupid, unimportant, ridiculous things. Like this list that includes 11 nonhuman things I want to marry. Really though, the list should be called: Eleven Nonhuman things I want to marry or have sex with, not sure which. Love and sex are the same right? I don’t know, but I love the poo out of all these things and I need them to love me in some capacity. All these things are probably so bothered by my adoration, but at the same time I feel like they’re singing, “If you like it then you shoulda put a ring on it,” because secretly they love me too. However, I doubt they sing that. Instead, they are probably a little bothered by my borderline obsessive Jodi Arias behavior. Why am I assigning these inanimate objects human behaviors? I’m pretty sure that’s called something in the literary world where real-life writers write all proper and junk. But, I digress. Here’s my list:
Eleven Nonhuman Things I want to Marry
2. Buzzfeed. If I could marry a website, it’d be Buzzfeed. I want to wake up, glance over and see their lists lying on the pillow next to me each morning. *sigh*
3. Pizza. Pizza is so darn delicious, I want it all the time. It makes me drool like a teething infant. Not even Brad Pitt can do that for me.
4. Toms. The shoes Jesus would wear in the winter. They keep my toes all cozy and stuff. Love them. The best thing is if I did marry my Toms, it wouldn’t be awkward talking about my “husband,” as I refer to him as Tom and no one would be any wiser.
|See! I even wear Toms Wedges!|
7. Home Goods. Add another store to the list of non-human things I’d marry. I could spend hours all up inside that bitch. Mmmmm… Oh wait, got a little wrapped up in my fantasy. Still, I’d marry Home Goods.